vocab

schizophrenia- (noun) severe mental disorders marked by delusions and hallucinations.
 "it was a kind of schizophrenia"
I used my own logic. I have a family member that suffers from schizophrenia so i knew the meaning instantly.
The older gentleman in the park seemed to have a severe case of schizophrenia.

stash- (noun) to hide away
"courage, I seemed to thin, comes to us in infinite quantities, like and inheritance, and by being frugal and stashing it away and letting it earn interest (pg40)
I used my own logic. I have heard the term stash, stashing throughout the years and have come to learn its meaning.

censure- (noun) strong disapproval
"I feard ridicule and censure" (pg45)
I used the example in the book. I thought what he might be feeling and how other people would feel and guessed the meaning from the context clues

messy heart

It was mid march, my world collapsed, or so I thought. She was young and beautiful. Eighteen and I was looking for anything to hold me together. By fate or chance, I met her, my first love. I was in love or what I can clearly see now lust.

The first year went off without a hitch. We were moving at what seemed the speed of light. Marriage was often a topic as were children. I never liked the idea of kids and marriage and I made that aware in an appropriate way. As time went, on I liked the ideas we spoke of. I felt as if I could marry her on the spot. We almost made it 2 years.          

Things seemed off between us for awhile. I tried to show affection, but her mind was made up. The night it happened was as normal as any other. But it would soon unravel to my dismay. She seemed nervous. She just couldn’t get it out. It was on the tip of her tongue. Tears started to roll down her beautiful porcelain cheeks. That instant my heart shattered. She said many things I could agree with. And many things that stung. I was depressed like never before for quite some time. What I got out of it was heartache and a lesson. I now understand that relationships need bounds and affection should be displayed. But above all, I will never put a woman over everything I stand for, everything I am. I still think of her to this day, and I know it doesn’t matter to her. I think I can’t stop thinking of her not because I was in love, some of the comments she made were seared into my heart and my mind forever.  

vocabulary

poncho- adjective; covering for ones persons.
In april, for instance, when teh lavender was shot they used his poncho to wrap him up, then carry him across the paddy, then to lift him into the chopper that took him away.
own logic
My red poncho kept me dry in the harsh pounding rain

the things i carry

The things I carry are an array of emotion. Loneliness, fear, pain, suffering, all of this roots from one single event in my life, divorce. Nine years old and life was just getting good until the day I find out my parents are splitting. After that day I never felt so alone the thought of living with only one parent at a time was unattainable by my elementary level mind, I just didn’t understand. Needless to say I was looking for answers, and I couldn’t find them.

Years went by time seem to be nothing to me until I started getting older. Thoughts of right and wrong never entered my mind I never seemed to care with no real father around I made my own image of a man. I did many things to this day I am not proud of but I did that and someday maybe never I will have to come to terms with that. Hopefully my feelings of shame for all these years will be enough payment.

Things have calmed down a lot lately. My bitterness for my father has left somewhat, things are always improving. Many have said he was the root of my anger, and as I am older now I can see the truth in this. Its as if the moment I let it go the anger the emotional baggage just left and im now living a more positive life.

A few years ago no one would believe I had enrolled in college I am now six months away from 21 and Im finally in school. They day I told my mother and my grandmother they almost collapsed. Now I carry the love and inspiration that those two beautiful women give me everyday of my life.